From Darkness to Light

Sr. Kristy

Salamalaikum my new brothers and sisters!

I’m a new revert to Shia Islam – I said my shahada in May of this year (2008), so I’ve been a Muslimah for just over 2 months.  It’s difficult to know where to begin my story, as God has been leading me to Him my entire life. 

I had been a Christian my entire life, as I was raised in a conservative Christian family.  We were Pentecostal for the majority of the time (Assembly of God), then switched to Southern Baptist (because they had an orchestra – my family is very musical), and then I finally switched to the Christian denomination in college.  I never really bought into speaking in tongues, especially since the Bible is clear that its only purpose is for the edification of the entire church, not just for an individual babbling to themselves, without a clue as to what they’re actually saying.  However, with both Southern Baptist and the Christian church, I had trouble with the ‘once saved always saved’ concept, and that if someone does indeed turn away from God, they weren’t ‘really a Christian’ to begin with.  Further, overall, while I believed that Jesus was somehow God, and that he died on the cross for our sins, I never felt comfortable praying to him, so I have always prayed directly to God.

I went to college as a double major in music and linguistics – music because it was all I ever knew, and I had a lot of scholarships and a great deal of time and interest invested in it, and linguistics because I wanted to be a Christian missionary in Asia (specifically Japan).  About halfway through my program, however, I began to wonder why God would let hundreds and thousands of people all over the world die, generation after generation, without hearing about Jesus.  The Bible says that those who don’t accept Jesus as their savior go to hell.  I didn’t understand how God could create these individuals, knowing that they would never know the truth, and would die and find themselves in a place they’d never even heard of, for not believing in one they never knew.  I didn’t think God could possibly be unfair, but my religion certainly seemed to be.  I began wondering if God was not confined by the narrow limits of my religion, and if He was much more than that – perhaps instead He makes allowances for those who have never heard of the right way to Him.  I hoped that was the case, but I decided that I certainly could not be a missionary since I didn’t see the point, and I was still unsure of who Jesus really was.  How could I go tell others that they’re wrong when I’m not even entirely sure of my own beliefs? 

I began my graduate degree in Teaching English as a Second Language, and managed to get a position as an ESL instructor at the ESL program at my university.  There, in my first day of teaching, was a class full of mostly Muslim students from Saudi Arabia.  I had absolutely no idea who these people were, how to pronounce their names, or if I was offending them by being uncovered or being a female in authority over them (as I thought Islam was a male-dominate religion).  I didn’t even know where Saudi Arabia was on the map!  Needless to say, I went home and started reading up on the region, culture, and religion, and was highly surprised to find that my students were very well-mannered, courteous, polite, and very friendly.  I had thought they would be like extremely conservative Christian – unfriendly, unsmiling, rigid, backward, judgmental and condemning.  Not long into the class, I noticed subgrouping occurring – the class split almost in half with a noticeable tension between them.  I questioned one of the more outgoing students about it, and he said, “Oh, they’re Shia – they’re really stupid and ignorant; we don’t like to talk to them.”  I was surprised and told him that I didn’t think so; they make very good grades and seemed very perceptive and self-aware.  I tried to ask what the difference between Sunna and Shia was, but he and some of the others were vague and couldn’t give me any concrete answers. 

At this time I had started reading more on my own about Islam, but from a Christian perspective, so I was learning all the horror stories of how Prophet Muhammad was demon-possessed as he didn’t know if it was a demon or Gabriel who spoke with him, much about the violence in Islam, and countless other illogical, nonsensical beliefs (that I later learned come straight from Al-Bukhari and Muslim).  I tried bringing some of what I was learning up with a Shia student, and he laughed and asked me where I got that information.  I was flustered and figured he was just trying to avoid talking about it. 

Later, I befriended another Shia who constantly inundated me countless questions about Christianity.  I hated how he wouldn’t accept my answers (that I’d heard all my life), and had no idea what he was talking about when he said my answers “weren’t logical.”  Logic isn’t meant to be part of our faith – Paul (in the New Testament) warns us against the foolishness of man, and that we should essentially shut off our brains and not rely on our own minds to understand.  Finally, this past Christmas vacation, I got tired of never having answers, and began searching earnestly on my own to understand my own religion better. 

At this point, my life became very dark – I was reading books written by Biblical scholars, and time and time again, their answers to the tough questions in Christianity were just not good enough.  I could go into a lot of detail here, but suffice it to say, my entire foundation was being shaken.  I could not understand how God could be so terrible, unjust, and unforgiving in the Old Testament; how could He create entire nations only to be utterly destroyed unmercilessly by the Israelites (“spare not one living thing, except for the virgin girls to keep for yourself”)??  Or how children should be punished for their parents’ sins?  I could go on for pages on the inconsistencies and illogic in the Bible, admitted by Biblical scholars themselves, but the point was all too clear to me.  This could not be God.  How could God be like that?  I pleaded with Him, day and night, I spent night after sleepless night, crying and begging God to show me answers, I barely completed my assignments for class, I most definitely missed a lot of class (somehow still had a good GPA though, mashallah), all my waking moments were spent with worry and constant panic attacks.  I had begun to feel so exhausted, so tired of life, my own self-confidence and self-worth was at an ultimate low, and I began wishing that I’d never even been born.  I didn’t know the point of my existence and thought life was hopeless, a miserable quest for answers that could never be found. 

Around the same time that I had decided to seriously investigate Christianity, I had also decided that I would study Islam to simply understand it for what it is, and not to disprove it as I had been doing previously.  I had asked my Shia friend (I should clarify that by this time, my friend and I had mutah) for a Quran with commentary, since I wanted the often-quoted violent verses explained.  I simply wanted to understand what Muslims believed.  When I hit my lowest point, over spring break, my husband/boyfriend told me that the Quran had arrived (I’d almost forgotten about it by that time) and he gave it to me.  When I sat down to read it that night, I thought to myself that I really couldn’t handle anymore anxiety and pain from trying to understand yet another religion’s point of view.  Nevertheless, I reminded myself that I wanted to understand the Muslim worldview, so I opened the Quran and began reading. 

From that very evening, from the very first page, my life changed.  As I read, my racing, pounding heart began to slow to a more relieving rate.  My breathing slowed.  My mind cleared, and most importantly - I started finding answers.  Alhamdilulah, I’m crying now as I write this, remembering how dark and desperate my world was before I opened the Quran that night.  I was so surprised; I never expected to find answers – in the Quran no less!  What’s more, everything made sense!  Everything was logical!  I could think critically and carefully evaluate what was written – and it still held up!  That night – I slept.  For the first time in months.  The next day, I woke up, and actually went to class, in a pleasant mood.  I was in a state of surprise and shock.  These questions that I had resigned to never be answered, had been answered in just one night. Even issues I hadn’t even thought of yet were being addressed. 

Over the next month, I continued my quest to investigate Christianity.  As my skepticism and disbelief in Christianity grew, so did my interest and hope in Islam.  Finally, after learning about Mithracism and the numerous problems with Paul and his teachings, I officially decided that I was no longer a Christian.  I remember going to school that morning with a smile on my face, and a huge feeling of relief.  Such relief.  It’s unimaginably freeing to finally be able to use the mind and logic that God has given us – and it doesn’t conflict with my religious beliefs!  My mind and my faith could maybe, just maybe, be at one! 

I spent another month investigating Islam, reading about the two sects much more carefully, from their own sources.  I also read Al-Tijani Then I was Guided, along with Nahjul Balagha.  I had never even imagined such moral and ethical role models like the ahl-bayt.  Our role models in the Bible got drunk, committed incest, adultery, and much more!  Finally, I had stumbled onto the foundation and the base that I’ve been longing for all this time.  Further, through Fatima Al-Zahra, I saw what it meant to be a woman, and had a female role model to follow after.  I’ve spent my whole life suppressing who I am as a female and trying to live up to male expectations.  I also began to see very clearly, and painfully, the chains of bondage that entrap all Western women – to gain attention and acceptance, one must reveal her body.  Women are judged by how they look, not for who they are.  In Islam, women are judged for who they are, and no one is given the chance to judge them for how they look.  Islam gives women the freedom to be respected as a person, not just a mere body exposed for all to critically judge.     

At last, in May 2008, I officially converted to Shia Islam.  Just before I converted, I told my husband/boyfriend about my decision.  He was so surprised that he didn’t believe me, as I had continued debating with him throughout this time, although mostly by the end I was agreeing with him.  He seemed confused about why I had left him completely out of it, but I had done that intentionally so as to not let him influence me in any way.  I wanted to arrive at these conclusions all on my own.

Most certainly, my story does not end here, and I could continue writing for pages.  I will state though that my family does not know yet (it’s been just about 2 months now), and due to my father’s extreme stance against Islam, and his precarious health, I’m hesitant to tell him.  I’m sure they’ll think I converted for my husband/boyfriend, even though they know I would never do that.  I guess it may be easier to blame it on something like that instead of dealing with the reality that a serious, dedicated Christian they know very well converted to Islam.  It’d be hard to rationalize that.  None of my friends know yet either, and none of my Muslim students know as well.  I’ve been advised not to tell them since word would spread fast and I might get bothered by some of the Wahabis and Bedouins who dislike Shias and/or people from my husband’s area of Saudi Arabia.  My husband also worries that his family back at home would be harassed, and their jobs and security may even be threatened (since being Shia in Saudi Arabia is apparently something one doesn’t declare openly).  I never knew I would be dragged into the middle of a cultural war when I converted.  Even though the contact with my Muslim students was one of the pivotal moments in my reversion story, I sometimes wish I was not so well-known so that I could be free to practice my new faith without worrying about negatively impacting others. 

Nevertheless, I would most certainly endure this situation and much worse for the sake of God and Islam, because I would never, ever desire to return to my life pre-Islam, devoid of meaning, direction, and the true path to God. 

I praise God for answering my anguished cries of desperation and leading me to Him.  What amazes me every single day, is that I know God is listening to my prayers, and more than that, He always answers them.  The God of Islam is very real, and cares immensely for His creation.  Praise God for having mercy on me and saving one as undeserving as me.